A Wandering Mind…

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“I came back to let you know……I gotta thing for you…and I can’t let go.”

As I stare at a blank page on my computer screen, I find myself experiencing a bad case of writer’s block. It may be due to the fact that I simply don’t want to write about what has been on my mind lately. I would rather ignore it, but a wandering mind is a dangerous thing. It forces us to sometimes say what we would rather not say. So here it goes…

To Whom It May Concern,

I wish I could stop thinking about you. I really do. I don’t want to love you. I don’t want to feel the exact same way I felt about you when we first met. But I do. And I can’t help that. Trust me, I have tried to go on and block out the memory of what we had. I have dated. I have loved again. I thought that meant I was moving on, but somehow my mind still finds itself back thinking about you. It’s not frequent. I don’t think about you everyday, or even every week. Just once every blue moon I remember the butterflies you gave me when we spoke. I think about the ways you always got on my nerves but somehow still made me love you.

It wasn’t forced though. It was natural. It was the only time in my life I fell unwillingly and unknowingly into deep emotions. It was the only time I didn’t have to force myself or think logically about why I loved someone. You didn’t save my life, you didn’t know about all my problems when I was going through hardships, we don’t have some fairy tale love story. You were just a guy. I was just a girl. That’s why I don’t get it!

And yet…I haven’t been able to love right ever since.

After you, everything else seems sub par. It’s as if, I didn’t know what true love was before you, and I haven’t been able to experience it after you. Every potential guy seems like I’m settling now. There is no spark; there is no unexplained connection. They don’t make me excited when their number pops up on the screen of my phone. Matter of fact, I always end up feeling like I’m settling. After you, everything else feels like…not good enough.

It’s not that I’m comparing them to you, because to be honest you weren’t the perfect guy. I just can’t help comparing the connection we had. I still remember the day we met and how we were immediately drawn to each other. It isn’t something I can ever articulate or put into words, but you changed me. I was heartless and had no intentions of partaking in real love. I was too young and had too much life to live. But you? You turned everything around. And now? I can’t get rid of you.

Please, if you’re not going to stay in my presence don’t stay in my mind. It’s not fair to hold both my heart and mind hostage when you aren’t even guarding the cell you put them in.

-J.C.

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About Juaquina Carter

Poet | Public Speaker | Photographer For Inquires: Juaquina.Carter@gmail.com
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7 Responses to A Wandering Mind…

  1. Its a sad time in life when you experience the reality of what love is really about. I felt that same way about someone back in my 30’s. Now that I’m 40, I realized that I would have had to learn the same lessons about people and relationships the same way as if I had been with the person I was in love with 10 years ago. Your feelings are real and worth honoring but don’t think you’ll never love that way again. You will but it’ll be a different kind of love.

  2. This is really raw and I love it. I feel like many people feel this way. The whole one that got away. But, I’m sure you will find someone who will make you love even more than you thought possible. Love has and infinite amount of levels. Well I’ve never been in love, but I’d like to think so haha.

  3. Terrell says:

    I love your transparency in this article Kena!!! I think most of us have felt like this about someone at some point in our lives. I have learned when you find someone who you believe is special you just let go and give it your best shot. Though we hesitant because of possibility of rejection, the pain of regret is much worse. Then again sometimes its just when we look back we think of imperfect
    situation and take away what seems to be a perfect moment and forget the many more imperfect times. Its like that old song The Way We Were says, “Memories although beautiful and yet, much to painful to remember. We simply choose to forget. So its the laughter we will remember whenever we remember the way we were.” So next time when you look back don’t just think about all the perfect parts but also the not so perfect times that made you decide it just wasn’t worth the effort anymore. Sometime it just the craving of companionship and we have to be careful not to let that craving influence our decisions. But don’t think too much about it. You’re awesome and will make an awesome fellow a much more happy guy. So let go and do your best and what suppose to happen will happen.

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