Many people encourage us to be abstinent and tell us its the best choice, but rarely do people take the time to explain how to be abstinent To be completely honest, abstinence is not the easiest thing in the world. No, its not impossible, but there are definitely challenges you might encounter along the way. So, what is the best way to achieve your goal? Well, that is up to the individual, but there are two things that you must understand and define in order to set your self up for success: fire and boundaries.
Fire: People who are just starting their walk of abstinence will, more often than not, find themselves playing with fire. What I mean is they will put themselves into situations where the main objective is to see how far they can go without going all the way (meaning have sex). This is the absolute wrong thing to do! I want to emphasize that playing with fire is setting yourself up for failure. I mean how many times are you going to touch a hot stove before you give yourself a third degree burn that neither time nor medicine will heal?
To be a little bit more specific, I will give you a scenario. You decide to go over a person’s house (whom you are attracted to) to watch a movie at night when nobody else is home. Does this even sound like a good idea? We all know what is going to happen. I know what you’re thinking, “I have self control. I am not going to do anything.” It is not about self control, it’s about avoiding environments that could tempt you the most. Even if you stay strong the first time, the second time might not go as well as you planned. It’s like leaving a steak dinner alone in a room with a person who is fasting. They have self-control, but the desires of the flesh are extremely seducing and could often cause a person to do things they never wanted to do. If you keep placing yourself in an environment that would bring out the sexual desires that lie dormant in your body eventually you will want to kiss that person….and eventually hands will get involved and there will be appropriate touching…..then inappropriate touching…..then other things will happen that will break your pledge to abstinence and be something you will regret in the long run.
So how do you avoid this fire?
Boundaries: Boundaries are the only for sure way to avoid placing yourself in a bad position. You must define your boundaries based off of your motives for being abstinent. For example, if you are abstinent to avoid STD’s, STI’s, and pregnancy, than you must avoid any physical contact that could lead to those things. This means vaginal, anal, and oral sex, and under the clothes touching, because these are all ways to acquire the above consequences If you are abstinent in order to save sex until marriage, than you must define what sex is. So, if you only want to save vaginal sex for marriage, than you must avoid situations that will lead to vaginal intercourse.
Once you define abstinence and set your boundaries, you will then be able to prevent yourself from playing with fire. However, this is a process. You must learn what makes you feel sexual desires in order to know what situations are like fire to your life. Something you will learn is that once you try to avoid sex, the little things can often cause you to lust more than they would if you were not trying to avoid intercourse. For example, there was a point in my life when I just could not listen to Trey Songz. This may sound silly, but I’m just being completely honest with you. In my eyes, he is an extremely attractive man singing about sex. *sigh* …this led to some very impure thoughts in my mind, because I had a Trey Songz Pandora station that I listened to everyday. Hearing this beautifully sculpted man sing about sex caused me to think about it more than I ever did before, and I found myself becoming more lustful then ever! So, I had to stop listening to him for a while until I got my hormones back in check. This is what I mean by little things. Do not be ashamed that something so minor such as a song could trigger you to want to break your abstinence pledge. Recognize your feelings so that you can deal with them and make this wait for marriage as pleasant as it can be.