There is this myth that a person has to care for every need/want of their significant other, and I have personally witnessed how this can destroy someone’s entire belief system. This is especially true for women. I know so many girls who feel they have to satisfy their boyfriend’s every need, and they can’t even see how they are hurting themselves in the long run.
I understand. I won’t act as if I haven’t been there and compromised parts of me in order to make my boyfriend happy, and I won’t say it didn’t hurt the very depths of my heart when God removed him from my life. But it wasn’t until I was alone that I realized how much I was taking away from myself in order to fill all the gaps in his life. I also didn’t realize how I had over stepped my boundaries.
It is not our responsibility to fill every empty hole in someone’s life (friend, family member, or significant other). That job belongs to God and God alone. He is the only one that can do it, and we are just getting in his way and impeding the growth of that person in the meantime.
“But how does this relate to abstinence?”
I am so glad you asked.
When we are alone and no one is in our life, we know exactly what all of our morals and boundaries are. We are able to see clearly what tempts us and what we probably shouldn’t do, but this clarity gets lost in translation when transitioning to a relationship. Whether it is love or lust….something clouds our vision. Something tells us it is okay to do something we already decided we shouldn’t, because we don’t want to disappointment them. Well, you aren’t stealing something away from them by saying no to sex (whatever your definition of sex may be). You are actually investing into the future of your relationship.
I just want to encourage anyone struggling with redefining their boundaries while they are in the midst of dating someone to go with whatever you thought was the right thing before you got with them. That was when you were able to think the clearest. That was when you were able to find yourself without any distractions. That was when you didn’t have to balance spending time with God and investing 100% of yourself into this person.
You don’t have to complete them. You don’t have to fulfill their every need. If they haven’t earned certain parts of you, then you owe them nothing. Nothing. No matter how great they are, you don’t owe them the pieces of you that belong solely to your future spouse. And until you say your vows before God, they are not your spouse. They only have husband/wife potential. And if they are the person God has for you, they will understand. They will know you are worth the wait, and they will hold you accountable for your decisions.
You’re not saying no to sex; you’re saying yes to your future. And sometimes you have to put yourself first.